Is the Spark Gone? 10 Signs, and What to Do This Week

You still love each other. You just can't remember the last time it felt exciting. The days run on schedules, most of your talk is about who is picking up whom, and you start to wonder if the spark is gone for good.

Usually it is not gone. It is buried under routine. The Gottman Institute notes that it is natural for the first spark to dim in long-term relationships, and that the drift builds slowly, which is why it is easy to miss. Below are 10 signs the spark is fading, and one small thing you can do about each one this week. For the bigger picture, see our guide on how to bring the spark back in your relationship.

Who is writing this: I'm Dave Hall. My wife Jenn and I started hiding little love notes for each other about 10 years into our marriage, and it brought joy and closeness back. That habit became Hidden Gems. The signs below come from relationship researchers and therapists, linked so you can read more. The small steps are what I would suggest to a friend. This is not professional advice.

Is it normal for the spark to fade?

Yes. In the early days everything is new, so closeness takes no effort. Later, work, kids and bills fill the space. That does not mean something is wrong with you. It means the closeness now needs a little attention. In Psychology Today, Randi Gunther writes that when partners spot the signs early, most can regain their connection. If the word you would use is "boring," read why your marriage feels boring, and why that is not the real problem.

10 signs the spark is gone, and what to do about each

1. Every conversation is about logistics

Dinner, the dentist, who is picking up the kids. You talk all day and never really talk. In an AARP guide to emotional intimacy, counselor Carlos Escobar names a drop in meaningful conversation as one of the clearest signs that closeness is slipping. If this is most of your week, you may also feel like roommates. Here are 9 ways to stop feeling like roommates.

This week: Spend 10 minutes a day talking about anything that is not a task: something funny from your day, a trip you want to take, a show you both like. If it drifts back to the calendar, laugh and steer it back.

2. "How was your day?" gets a one-word answer

"Fine." "Good." One short answer means nothing. The Gottman Institute points out that when it becomes a pattern, it can be a sign the two of you are drifting.

This week: Ask a better question. Try "What was the best part of your day?" or "What are you looking forward to this week?" Then listen to the whole answer without checking your phone.

3. Nobody gets up when the other comes home

Early on, you stopped what you were doing to say hello. Now it is a "hi" from the other room. Gunther lists greetings as one of the signs of fading intimacy.

This week: When your partner walks in, stand up, go to them, and say hello with a hug or a kiss. It takes 10 seconds. Do the same when one of you leaves in the morning.

4. Small bids go unanswered

A bid is any small reach for attention: "Look at this," a sigh, a hand on your shoulder. In John Gottman's study of newlyweds, couples who were still married six years later turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced averaged 33% (Gottman Institute).

This week: Notice one bid a day and answer it. Look up from your phone. Say "Show me." That is the whole move.

5. Touch has faded, or only happens as a lead-in to sex

Holding hands, a hug in the kitchen, sitting close on the couch. When those go away, closeness can go with them. Escobar, in the same AARP guide, points to the absence of hugging and kissing outside of sex as a sign of less emotional closeness.

This week: Add small touch with no agenda. Hold hands on a walk, put a hand on their back as you pass, or sit close during a show.

6. Your phones get more eye contact than you do

The AARP guide lists less eye contact as a sign, often because one or both of you are looking at a screen while the other talks.

This week: Pick one phone-free stretch a day, like dinner or the first 20 minutes after work. Put both phones in another room.

7. You notice what they get wrong more than what they get right

Patience gets shorter. Small things start to grate. Gunther describes patience turning into impatience, and more negative comments, as warning signs. In the AARP guide, psychologist Hannah Yang suggests a simple fix: list the things you appreciate about your partner.

This week: Say one specific thank-you a day, out loud. "Thanks for handling the car." Small and specific beats big and vague.

8. You don't really know what's going on in their life

You know their schedule, but not what is on their mind. Gunther calls this tracking: remembering what matters to your partner when you are not together.

This week: Ask about one thing on their plate this week, then follow up. "How did the meeting go?" Remembering is a quiet way of saying you care.

9. The fun happens with other people

Your best laughs are with friends or coworkers. At home, it is TV and bedtime. Both the AARP guide and Gunther flag this one: less shared fun, and more energy spent on life apart.

This week: Do one new thing together, even something small: a new trail, a class, a restaurant you have never tried. In a study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, couples who did a new, challenging activity together reported bigger gains in relationship quality than couples who did a routine one.

10. Nobody surprises anybody anymore

No little notes, no "thinking of you" texts, no small treats. Not because you stopped caring, but because you stopped making room for it.

This week: Leave one small surprise: a note in a coat pocket, their favorite snack in the car, a text in the middle of the day that has nothing to do with chores. For Jenn and me, hiding little love notes for each other is what brought joy and closeness back. If you are not sure what to write, here is our guide to love notes for your partner.

Pick two and start this week

You don't need to fix all 10. Pick the two signs that sound most like you, and do those two small things every day this week. Small and steady is easier to keep up than one big gesture. If time is the real problem, start with our guide on how to reconnect with your partner when life gets busy.

If you want to talk about it, start with how you feel, not a list of what is wrong. "I miss us. I want to feel closer to you. Can we try a couple of small things this week?" is easier to hear than "We never do anything anymore."

When it is more than a lost spark

Some signs point to something bigger: fights that never get resolved, constant put-downs, one of you thinking about leaving, or anyone feeling unsafe. Those are worth taking to a couples counselor, and the Gottman Institute also suggests professional support when things feel stuck. Small gestures help, but they are not a replacement for therapy.

A small way to start

Sign 10 is the easiest one to fix tonight. Hidden Gems is our own product: a deck of 72 pre-written love notes in four categories, Love, Support, Gratitude, and Fun & Flirty. You pick one, hide it, and let your partner find it. A card like "I'm still head over heels for you" in a lunch bag says what you might not say out loud.

FAQ

How do you know if the spark is gone?

Look for patterns, not one bad week: talk that is only about logistics, one-word answers, less touch, missed bids for attention, more sharp words, and more fun apart than together. One sign on its own is normal. Several at once are worth acting on.

Is it normal for the spark to fade in a long relationship?

Yes. The first rush of a new relationship does not last forever, and routine fills the space. A faded spark is a signal to pay attention, not proof that something is broken.

Can you get the spark back?

Often, yes, especially when you spot it early and both of you want to try. Start with small, daily things, like the ones above, and give it time. The spark guide linked at the top of this post has more ideas and a one-week starter plan.

What if only one of us feels the spark is gone?

Start with your side. Do the small things on this list without keeping score, and tell your partner how you feel in plain words. You can't make someone change, but warmth from you can invite warmth back. If nothing moves, a counselor can help you talk about it.

Does losing the spark mean we should break up?

Not by itself. A dimmer spark is a normal part of long relationships, and it can come back. If there are bigger problems, like constant fighting or one of you wanting out, talk to a couples counselor before you decide anything.